Held

You know those moments that hit you out of the blue? Like when you remember something that you haven't thought about in years and it just stops you dead in your tracks and brings tears to your eyes. Its funny how the mind remembers what the heart tries to forget.

It happened yesterday around 8 am. I was driving in my car on 65 south headed to bardstown rd when Held by Natalie Grant came on. Now at the time I was not sure why this particular song triggered it but I know now. In an instant i was taken back to my highschool in Indianapolis. I could see everything clear and just as it was five years ago. Then I seen fingers pointed, smiles curled in amusement, and whispers spoken in secret. I began to cry. I cried tears of sadness. I remembered. The way they would draw distorted pictures of me on the chalk board. Oh how they hurt me! I remember the way they made me feel. Ugly, retarded, awkward, lonely. Oh how I cried!

I cried not for just the past but for my present. It was as if my fingers ran gently across my heart feeling every scar. Oh how they hurt! I thought they had healed but for years I had refused to even check on the wounds to see if they truly were gone. And now I see that these scars are still here and have affected the way I feel about myself up until now.

Oh how they affect me! Feelings of unworthiness haunt me. I am so suppressed by the words and actions of those kids that its unreal. And it wasnt just in highschool. It happened in elementary too. I was never the pretty girl or the smartest. I would come home crying to my mom and not wanting to go back. Oh how they hurt me! And now i see that what they said has stuck with me in ways I could never imagine.

I have felt unworthy of someones love. I have counted myself out because I thought I was just not pretty enough. I was not thick enough, just too skinny. Ive had guys tell me to gain weight or grow my hair long cause it would make me pretty. Oh how they hurt me! I believed that I would never attract the type of guy I wanted because I wasn't white or because my hair wasn't white enough. Seriously, these thoughts plagued me. Oh how they hurt me!

Yet after feeling all these things and after tear after tear I felt the love of my Father God wrap all around me. This is what it means to be held. His love heals from the inside out. He takes the deepest part of you and heals you. As I listened to the song every word seemed to be dripping from the mouth of God onto my heart like healing medicine. I decided right then to change the way I have been feeling about myself. To know that I am worthy of love, I am beautiful enough, smart enough, and no person- by word or deed can ever yake that away from me.

I decided to tell you all my story in hopes that some young lady or gent would read this and understand. Understand and then know that they are beautiful and deserve the best. And the best can only be given by Daddy God and he wants to give it to you. And the best is not things...the best is His love. Receive and be healed.