Inadequate

I have been sitting here thinking of how to start this off, but I can't come up with the right words. In the next few moments you are going to get a look at some of the struggles I have been fighting. I'm not sure anyone has noticed, but then again I really don't need you to notice. What I've needed is for God to notice.

I have felt so distant from the presence of God. My heart has been hardened. On top of all that I have been struggling with many insecurities that have haunted me since I was just a little girl. Its so true how you can go to church every week and nobody know what you are dealing with.

Feelings of unworthiness, being unimportant, and being overlooked have plagued my mind. And everytime I felt these things stab me in the gut they would be justified in my mind by my faults. I would tell myself that these things were true because I was imperfect. I don't deserve to be loved by anyone... I don't deserve this or that.. Oh how my heart has been so hurt here lately. And what made it worse was that those I looked up to let me down time after time, reaffirming my feelings.

And let me tell you that when you think like this, you act like this and make decisions that you wouldn't otherwise if you had been thinking how God thinks about you! So needless to say, I've not been myself lately. I've not been super happy like I normally am...and I have been questioning EVERYTHING.

I got a phone call from my cousin yesterday and God had given him a dream about me. It was dead on. I have been praying that God reveal to me what I need to do to change my situation and boom there it was. GET IN THE WORD! Duh!

The Word is the only thing that brings life. The problem is, I was going by the way I felt. And when I couldn't feel God I just wanted to give up. But its not about how you feel. What does God's word say? He is there even when you can't feel Him! That's why we must cleave unto His word and not the goosebumps we get when we feel His presence. My faith should never be based on a feeling..its based on the Word of God and nothing else.

So this morning, instead of pouting about feeling like I was being rejected by those I love, I chose to think right. Because I know that is not right. I chose to get in the Word and see what God had to say about me. I am chosen of God, I am apart of the Ecclesia. I am beautiful and loved. My sins have been forgiven and forgotten. Every morning I wake up with a clean slate. I am gifted and anointed. I walk in the fruit of the Spirit. God has looked on me with love and His thoughts toward me are innumerable! Innumerable!

I just thought I would write this to anyone who has been feeling like I have. Don't dwell on the negative, dwell on God's Word about you. don't put your trust in man cause they will always let you down. Don't put trust in your flesh either because you too will let someone down. You will even let yourself down. Put all of your Trust in God and he will never let you down. Remember whose you are and you'll know who you are! Don't fear rejection. God has qualified you! Love yourself! Cleave unto His Word. Hide it in your heart. Write it on your mirrors and your walls. God Bless!