Always Last

She closed her eyes and tried to clear her mind. Butterflies filled her stomach as her fingers begin to shake. She was a nervous wreck! And what for? She was waiting her turn. It felt like she had been in line for forever. And she was tired of waiting. She was always last for EVERYTHING! It was as if her last name was Zwycher or something! Z Z Z! Last for everything. Had she been cursed from birth? Was God angry with her? Her mind could never wrap around the fact that she was last for everything. In elementary she was always the last in the lunch line. In middle school she was last to be picked when deciding teams. In high school, She was the last of her friends to get a car. She could never get ahead! She figured once her school days were over and she turned 18 that her luck would turn too...not so. In college she could never get a date and was always the last girl anyone would call...out of sheer desperation she guessed. She tried to be positive, but everytime she saw the half glass full she saw the glass half empty.

Finally, one day she met who she thought was an amazing guy. She did everything for him. And although the love he returned could never match the love she had given him, she accepted it for what it was. she lowered her standards and expectations. She was tired of being last and if being with this man meant she would be closer to first she was taking it. As time pressed on so did the amount of ceremonies. If it wasn't a wedding it was a baby shower, if it wasn't a baby shower it was a bachelorette party. Oh how they never ended! She couldn't get online or on the phone without hearing of someone else happiness. She was sick to her stomach. What was she doing wrong? No matter how much of herself she gave to this man he would never truly give her her heart's desire. She wanted a sweet proposal and an extravagant wedding, but NOooo not her. He would never make that commitment. And she found herself in the same place as last time...last. Yep you could call her Zoe Zwycher! Last for everything! And as if last wasn't enough, one day this "amazing" man left her. Without warning he left her. And you know where that got her? Kicked out of line! She wasn't just last anymore, she was out of the race! No sweet proposal and extravagant wedding for this girl. She was counted out...as usual.

So Zoe continued life alone. Of course she had her family and close friends, but what she didn't have was the confidence that one day she would have her heart's desire. She always got second best and that just didn't cut it. And just when she thought she was oh so close to having it, it would be cut short. And you know who she would blame? Herself! Why? Because her name was Zoe Zwycher! She was always last because thats who she was. LAST.

Her confidence was at 0 and her insecurities were high. She hid her feelings and buried them deep so that whenever she was out noone could see. But when she got home at night she cried her eyes out to a God who she thought had doomed her for life. She was a smart girl, fun and loving. She had a good head on her shoulders and was very independent. She had goals and she achieved them. She loved life, every minute of it. But at the end of the day it never failed that before she closed her eyes to sleep she would wonder, "Lord, why not me?"

I'm thinking that Zoe Zwycher describes a lot more women than just me. And if its you that I'm talking to let me just tell you that I understand! I have never been the best at anything. I have never been the first at anything. I am who I am. Zoe. My entire life I have felt overlooked. And my efforts to be in front have failed miserably. I've made so many mistakes that I've begun to think its who I am. Thats what I do. Thats why I am last. My name is Zoe.

And now, at a time in my life where I feel pretty good about my future, I struggle with being last. I ask myself everyday, "Why can't I be first?" I want to be the first. Honestly, I've struggled with "being first" very heavily the past week or so. It sounds funny and immature maybe but really..have you ever just wanted to be the first at something? I'm to the point where I've got a mental list of "firsts" that I MAY have a chance at. But then again my name is Zoe.

I'm throwing all this out there not to have a pity party for myself, but I do understand that when I let out how I'm feeling then maybe some of you will be encouraged to know that you are not the only Zoe out there.

I wanted to be the first choice as captain at gym time. No.
I wanted to be the first voted as Prom Queen. No.
I wanted to be the first of my friends to find the man of their dreams. No.
I wanted to be the first engaged. No.
I wanted to be the first he would give his heart to. No.


Yeah yeah I'm going to the extreme, but Firsts are important. Well, at least they are said to be. But here's the thng. Being first may be cool and make you feel important, but there is something to being last.

Maybe I was last to be captain at gym time because there was a kid who needed to be ahead of me more badly.
Maybe I wasn't voted as Prom Queen because God wanted me collecting souls rather than votes.
Maybe I wasn't the first of my friends to find the man of their dreams because mine wasn't ready for me yet.
Maybe I wasn't the first to be engaged because my hubby wanted everything just right for me because I deserve it and one can never rush perfection.
Maybe I wasn't the first one he gave his heart to because God wanted to perfect his ability to love me more than he could ever love someone else.

Hmm... maybe all those times God made me LAST he was only trying to put me FIRST.

Just a thought. I love you guys!

Please write me and let me know if you have ever felt like this!